Part 2

Race day shenanigans

Ahhhhh Sham, it was time to go and the crowd are moving fast, I have nailed me colours to the mast long ago aiming for a sub 5 time and things were not going to plan. The three bowls of chilli I had last night weren’t exactly staying down, I had heartburn that even Tommy with his big hose could not put out! Into the water and ah I tell yea it was freezing the kiwi’s went hiding and I though I may never find them again, a few strokes in and I begin to get my rhythm, I always find the beat to dancing queen hits the spot for the swim. Anyway when your in your in and I push on towards the first boobie, a nice big red one!

I round the second boobie and the wheels are coming off a bit, I am wrecked I feel like I’m actually drowning, Stapo gave me some paracetamol last night and now I think he may have given me rohypnol! I’m numb form the waste down, and believe me that rarely happens! I need to do a fart so bad but I’m not sure what will come out so I’m clenching my buttocks closed like I walked into the showers in Mountjoy. I can see the finish of the swim and I’m thinking Napoleon Nick is deffo ahead as is Stapo and the Guard, Fireman, Tesco, Jesus the entire club could be ahead of me at this stage, even the pensioners who had to get a doctors cert just to enter! I have to think of a plan, I’ll say I was waiting for the Girls, their wave started after mine.

I clamber out of the water like a one legged crab, I pull the wetsuit down to me waste and take a long sniff, look like I got away with it, but it’s cold, my nipple’s are as hard a blind lesbian in a fish factory, a quick dip into the porta-loo to check there was no leaks and I’m in the tent getting into me cycling gear. I peel my God like body out of my suit, and I’m out on the bike! I take two gels….

First things first I have to catch Mayo Man! I get the head down and blast out of Dunlearoighe or wherever, but can’t help notice the size of the house Sham, you could make a killing on carpet around here, I’d sell more carpet here in one house than I would in Tuam for a year! I can see now why Suzie calls the gym James, Jesus the feeks have trouble clapping with the amount of rings they have, I even recon people around here get out of the bath to take a piss! I take a gell…

Anyway I’m getting nervous now as I am heading to the north-side! Stapo warned me about this last night so I pick up the pace a bit. Over the bridge and up by the Point there’s a few homeless shams there on the right I think one of them is actually Nick’s Dad so I keep me head down and keep heading up towards O’Connell Street and then BOOM! Disaster! I see Supermacs on the right hand side the bike starts to slow all on it’s own, force of habit but I push on through the pain of not stopping. I take a gell….

The further up I go the worse it gets, Jesus it’s like the night of the living dead! As I approach the phoenix park I meet another crowd of northsiders I can’t believe the poverty, I mean some of these fella’s could not afford to pay attention! I’d say the burglar’s in Tuam would actually leave these fellas a few quid if they broke into their houses. I am seeing Nick and Gerge in a new light having escaped the life I am seeing in front of me, it’s like Skobie O’Gill and the Lidl people, still cant understand why Suzi left the South side though! Another gel…

Out of the Phoenix park and on to the back roads and I am passing some shams, some of them are slower than digesting banana’s, just goes to show how shite my swim was, I am catching some fine lookin’ birds though, Jesus if there is reincarnation let me come back as a girls bicycle saddle! but I must focus on Mayo Man and the rest of the hapless trilakers! Another gel and a powerbar…

I have done the back roads and went through the small towns and heading back in towards the city and it’s like a scene from the boy in the stripped pyjamas, young ones out screaming in the pyjamas! Aaahhhhh Sham where did they come from, chicks in Ugg boots and pyjamas screaming at me in what I think was English, one of them even puked on the road in front of me, there so ugly a good dose of cillit bang wouldn’t shift this lot. Jesus I’m wrecked now, don’t know why I do this sham putting this body through this much pain all for the Glory of the club. Ahh Sham the wheels are turning but the meat and two veg are dead!

I’m into the park and praying for a puncture, I’ve passed none of the Trilakers, not even the flippin pensioners, I’m actually contemplating letting my own tyres down just like Tommy did a couple of years ago in Wales. I take off me lid and run onto the tent rattling me brains to try and think up an injury but I am distracted by four eggs in a hanky, I pass the time for the first 5 k behind the two birds totally focused! I’m dreaming of what the look like as I take in their smell like Hannibal, By 6k I decide I can’t take it anymore and go for the overtake, I look back and I am literally heartbroken, the worst decision of the day, one had a face that would chase a pack of starving dogs out of Kelly’s butchers and the other was so ugly the bin men wouldn’t pick her up. Another gell, two powerbars and a coke…

The run is a looped run and I started meeting some of the gang first I see John Joe and he is looking fresher that me, seriously for fecks sake I mean he is so old I think he actually co-wrote the ten commandments and here’s me looking like my own scrotum sack, red raw and wrinkled! Stapo is still going although he looks like he is going to pretend he has a cramp again Nick is bouncing along like a knob in a tri-suit, the Guard is running like he’s late for a date in Coppers but no sign of Mayo Man!

Ahh Sham this is as much fun as chlamydia! me nuts are red raw with the veet, me calf’s are mooin’ I’m sweatin’ like a dyslexic on countdown, and I’ve forgotten to but me spare socks down the front of me tri-suit and the mix of gels and chilli is about to explode and typical there is Killilea with his long lenses!

I try to hide but no Joy he’s there snap happy, I try to look as cool as I can under the circumstances but it’s not easy, thankfully he gets distracted by one of the spice girls, Maria I think.  I’ll have to sort out the package before the next lap, a few other laker’s I see on the way Reilly, taking three strides per kilometre, Fiona fixing her hair as she runs, Steph with her karate kid bandana, Varden looks as though he does not know where he is, I think he thinks he is being chased. Another gel…

I stop at the drinks station for some water and see a box of gels and decide they would be the ideal replacement for the sock, no one is looking and down the front of the suit they go, there a bit sticky but I adjust them enough to make them look like a respectable bulge for Killilea’s pictures, a wander over to the middle of the road and do a quick 360 and start running in the opposite direction, that’s cut about 3 k of my run, lucky no one saw. I reach down into the tri-suit. Another gel…

I’m on the home straight running like I’m late for mass I make sure there are no monsters around me for my finish line picture and look out for Jo for the interview, she did not even recognise me, heartbroken I run down and cross the finish line, thank F**k that’s over, never again sham. I look around for some of the others and there is tantastic Stapo, I swear I am getting worried about that fell I think he may be suffering from tanerexia!

I need to find a porta-loo and fast..

AAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh sham, what happened next I can’t describe, lets just say all the gels, all the chilli and the gels from the front of the tri-suit went southbound, ring of fire comes to mind. Two hours later and I stumble out of the loo and standing there are the entire trilakes crew, posh and becks are kissing telling each other how brilliant they are, the rest of the spice girls doing the make-up, Napoleon looks like if he turned sideways he’d disappear down a drain,  the pensioners are fighting over who qualified for what, Stapo’s putting on some product, Andre the giant is in the clouds somewhere, Gerge looks like he’s about to be arrested, Corrigan and Varden can’t find their clothes, Curley looks as though he just lost his virginity,  Heneghan and Cosgrove and texting on their phones when they turn to see me stubble out!

Ahhhh Sham never again…

What about Mayo man?

Ahh sham Mayo man didn’t even finish ah the craic, he wee wee’d in his suit and it came out the top and into his eyes, had to spend the day in the eye and ear hospital in a bath of dettol!